2009 and Me

Its 11:30 now according to my computer and before I am through with this post it will be 2009.While people are bursting crackers, thronging "happening" places around the city, partying, dancing and getting sloshed - all in the merriment of welcoming the new year I wonder what "change" the new year will actually bring in for me. Oh yes, I know I sound like Ebenezer Scrooge, miserably wringing hands at the utter waste of human enthusiasm in celebrating something which is as obvious as the passing of another year but the type of mood that I am in these days, I sincerely admit, " I can't help it".

So, if this seems to be too morbid a post for 'you' ( yes, you - the person at the other end of this cyberspace staring with disgust at this 'depressing' rant) pray do 'redirect' your attentions to someplace rosier or less gloomy to ring in the new year.
It will only get downhill from here.


People say that one becomes philosophical only when one has all the time in the world to do so and not a thing to care for in life, or, when unknowingly one attempts to take refuge in it to stave off stark and unpleasant realities. Realities which are in a state of flux before they settle down, consolidate and then invariably stagnate in the hope of attaining permanence someday. But, I have never ran away from reality, of that I am sure. Yes, I have never jumped out of my way to invite "innovation" into my life but then, I never thought it was necessary. To me, the word 'permanence' bears an inexplicably pleasant consonance with meanings as disparate as stability and strength and I was always afraid that a little tugging and pulling, a little experimentation with its form and format would snap that delicate balance. Forever. I have always abhorred the thought that one day I would come back to a place, a person I so loved once and find it/him morphed into something or someone completely unrecognizable. I can almost sense how it must feel for a man with eyes to reach out for something he expects at a familiar place and end up groping in thin air, with the lights all on and glaring; to feel the cruel joke of "sight" and its attendant ironies. When people around you change, one by one, you start to question if you are the same person that you have been all these years or who you thought you were. It's a strange feeling to look at your own shadow sideways and see it moving farther away from you. It's almost what people call an 'out of the body' experience.
You start asking questions to yourself :

Shouldn't you have changed for "convenience's" sake too ?
Why isn't it that easy to be pleasing yet indifferent?
Why couldn't you have had that smile of tacit approval even if you were incensed inside?
Why did you "always" have to act yourself?

These are some of the questions with hundreds of others that I intend to find answers to this new year.

I know that this could have easily been the text of a letter to my best friend and not a midnight rant with pretensions of being a meaningful discourse published in the true traditions of shameless exhibitionism. But, I want to look back at this post whenever in the coming year I find answers to any of my questions and reflect on " What else..." rather than " What if..."

I had never made a new year resolution in my life before this.
I intend to start this year.


For the patient and the kindred:

Wish You All A Very ENLIGHTENING New Year - 2009 with all that's Lovely and Precious.

May all that you wish for long for you instead.

Peace.