Why don't I ever see you now?
Has it been that long, that late
That you could be just walking by
And I would fight myself to get
The name I called you by back then.
I wonder if you had the time
To sit and talk to me again
If you would fret on life like all
Or just keep to being yourself,
Clutching at your strands of pride.


It feels unreal now to see
The calm that's conquered your eyes
And set them to some chore of life
I never thought would be.
I could now call out your name,
Wait to see if you would stop.
With time, who knows, you could be you;
And I, what I could have been
- A boy to have loved you more.
For just a while in time.

Prem Porihaash

Haatey aaka hridoyer haatchhani dekhi
money bhoy, eto noy porichito lekha
kotha kichhu dey dekha, majhe aka-buki
kolomer haath dhorey bhalobasha sekha.

Rongeen kaagojey mora upohaar ghirey
sajano royechhe daami golaaper tora
onek niraash hoye gechhe bujhi firey
bhalobasha-pakhider feriwallah ora.

Hoyto onek aalo, kolaholey metey
bhoole gechho, paglaamo gechhe bujhi theme
Hoytoba sobtai bhool shuru thekey
Jei shuru thekey tumi porechhiley preme.

How much are you worth this night?

In coins and crumpled notes I count

The leased out pleasure of your arms

And lights that waver off your face

No shame, no haste

No pride to lose

That never was for yours’ to be

But for us to own and kill

And stab into our flesh in glee.

I can’t make out your smirk from smile

Which stems out from some putrid depth

That owes some of itself to me,

The other half to blurred out lines

Of fate and life and health that run

On your palms that now are mine.

I think I will just hold you in

Or look into your eyes to see

That hint of pain, that trail of love,

And who blinks first, you or me?

The night is wilting, slow and still

As withered petals float in air

I find myself, as if in dream

Sleeping mired to your hair

Last night I bought a part of you

When you drew the curtains close

Unknowingly, I sold you then

A part of me I never chose.

Requiem of a Dreamer

Should I come to life today?

Or wait for you to speak

In monosyllables of negligence

No. Not today.

I may as well play the dead

For some more time.

And then you shall pass

Not like the gale

Not the breeze

Only a fleeting thought

From a lonely night

When the candle tired

Of peeping into lives

Through the hollows in the wall

We call windows

Blew out cold.

Let it pass.

This feather of thought

And glide to some place

Where it finds a tomb

Then I shall rise

Enlightened

And Wise

To claim my piece of land.

I shall haunt your joint no more

Or kill to show I care

Or wallow in some forest deep

Greener by my tears.

I shall leave as silently

As I should have come then

“What the Eyes pledge

The Lips cheat” -

will read my requiem.

photo: gettyimages.com

Killer You

Hold my hands

Come to me

Sing to me in trance

While candle burns

In thinning light

And magic does its dance

Drown a while

Breathe for life

And see death face to face

Murder me

If eyes could kill

But stay in my embrace.

The violin strings

That filters pain

Tear them down with glee

Wail with pain

Smile that smile

You often smiled at me.

The breeze is strong

The limbs are weak

A dizzy numbness leads

To hollow roads

And empty hearts

The passion in us pleads

A lilt in steps

Hair askew

Kohl smudged in your eyes

In cold of night

We warm our hearts

Make love midst lurking lies.

His Last Cigarette

It was the second summer of love for me.

The scorching sun set fire to the bitumen-heart of dusty streets.

I was having my second shower of the day, of sweat and grime

Profusion peeping from behind sweat glands

My favorite deodorant losing efficacy

Slowly in unseen, muted vapors.

I felt an uneasy calm haunting me,

Bullying me around the bylanes of Southern Avenue.

She had said, “I need to talk”.

Me, ever eager for stealing a tryst knew

Her impulses could never wait.

Still, this time, deep inside, anxiety breathed.

How bad could this be?

Many storms had left us tempered, bruised.

Yet, love had had its say.

In all its sweet stubbornness.

Eyes used to lazy siestas drowned in a sea of images.

The air, thinning in a moistureless mirage,

Carrying tender promises of sweet nothings brewed

Promises of a more humane evening beckoned.

-‘An Appointment’.

I smiled at myself.

Far down the dreary road, spent souls prayed for relief, paid for water.

Summers in this city surely didn't promote love.

The defiant zombie.

Charmed with love, kissed with death.

I moved.

In a single minded motivated motion.

Where? I did not know.

I was waiting for my answers. When would she come?

It was about time now.

I could smell the sweet lavender of her talcum with my eyes closed

Soft, soothing, reassuring.

It was her only perfume.

Her tresses made careless riddles at me,

As occasional sighs of stale air teased them, trounced them

And went back defeated, fatigued.

Like me.

Leaning against a rusting post, I lit up.

Curls of white smoke, in their sinuous ascent sneered at me.

They were with her now. Traitors!

She hated tobacco, smoke and fire.

I loved them all, within a single delightful wrap

They called 'Cigarette'.

Smoke made her eyes red,

As red as the setting sun we were audience to, sometimes.

Times we discussed Tomorrow and its Bliss

Today, she was late. Unusually.

My loneliness bought me courage to protest my wait

I rehearsed my lines to get even.

She knew my patience hated being tested.

And she loved that look on me.

Now, I could see her down the lane.

A light sky blue on her, cooling my eyes.

Distance diminishing with her every step.

I had already forgotten my lines.

Rebuke had escaped its rickety prison inside my ribs.

But, there was no playful annoyance in her today

A Duchess miffed at disservice.

Her eyes were unadorned

Naked with an emotion unknown to me.

What could it be?

She knew how I loved kohl on them

How I could stare at them for eternity.

She always tossed those loving gazes

Into the water of the lake.

They sank, gasping for breath.

Rippling out to their deaths.

I could only sigh. She laughed.

She said it was late.

Always.

And left.

Today, she glanced between my fingers.

As familiarity emerged in her eyes.

A blend of distress and discomfort.

Confused, I took another drag at my stick.

Simmering in a telling sacrifice for me,

It could provide no wisdom today

As I grappled for answers.

I waited for that known sweep of disgust

Emanating from her sleek fingers,

Grounding my prized ‘India King’.

I waited for that familiar look of hurt

To reflect on her hazel eyes.

Nothing like that today.

Something had moved.

More sheepish every second, I stood.

Silence dawned. Love waited.

Words trickled in a crisis

I walked. We walked.

In her eyes I saw a storm,

Nestling its fury, exploding inwards.

She spoke at last.

She was leaving.

Far off lands held more promises.

Promises of progress, avenues of learning.

How I loathed my nursery rhymes now.

How I hated quantum physics.

That cruel idol of ‘Education’ had had its revenge.

And wasn’t it sweet.

My helpless eyes looked up

A bead of pregnant emotion had gathered cloud

At the corner of her eyes.

I could never see her cry. Something snapped within

A deluge of emotions arrived in abandon.

She cried. We mourned. Hours flew.

She whispered, “We will meet”.

The skeptic in me jeered.

The boulevard was replete with memories.

As we walked in silent vigil

We trampled them, muting their voices.

Forever.

Our walk was labored. Long and viscous.

Still, it had to end.

Roads never went on forever. I knew that.

Our last walk together. Perhaps, this was.

I put the last cigarette to my lips,

Waiting for her to throw it away.

One last time.

How I longed for her hand to move,

In one final stroke of playful disdain.

The last act of love at work.

She stared back at me

Her eyes the colour of a pallid evening-sky,

Denuding me of all my strength and weaknesses

For the first time ever

I watched her

As she held the light for me.

A Friendly Banter

I hear him consulting whispers

I hear him sing to me

Some tempting strains of melody

His voice pregnant with glee.

In his notes so vibrant, true

A smile too lights his face

Makes me think of brighter things

And joys I can’t express.

He talks of something he conjures

He thinks it high of all

I like to see him build at it

Lest I stroke its fall.

Looks at me with spirits high

His doubts just take a peep

Like good friends I cry, “Tarry!”

For joys can make you weep.

Caution maketh heroes none

And prudence breeds no love.

My skeptic soul would still profess

“There is no God above.”

Never love so deep and fast

n’ tie that silken thread.

If love cometh without a din

So can do hatred.

Delay, defer, prod and judge

Let love take all its time

As beauty ushers in true faith

With caprice emerge rhyme.

All my wisdom at his feet

I delve into his eyes

A serene smile etched out of lips

‘Love’ stares back in surprise.

Was It Only Yesterday ?

Was it only yesterday?

That you held my hands

And walked the yards.

The day reclining to rest

As the Sun took shade for the night.

My eyes attentive, inert to your words.

My mind fixed at some distance

Counting present worries

And those yet to come.

Some yours. Some mine.

And the road ribboned forward

Only to bend at curbs

While the air mixed hues and sounds

Of the approaching evening.

You loved the sunset.

And I loved you.

You were always this reckless.

Never giving a silent thought before the leap

Splashing muddy waters onto your silk churidaar,

Spoiling my starched dove-white shirt.

And then having only a pleading smile

Half impish, half sincere

And full of unrepentant joy,

That made me smile. Annoyed.

But, you never noticed.

You kept pace with the fireflies of rain

And chased their wings

Like a child at play.

Like that girl untouched

Of pain or vice.

I, like a fool, watched.

And relived my faded childhood.

Through you.

You danced.

Was it only yesterday?

When unawares you wept out loud.

For the kitten was hurt,

Or the urchins were poor

Or that ‘people just die’.

My emotions too confused,

My responses delayed,

Waited for waves to settle

In your tremulous heart.

I only breathed.

And somewhere deep within me

Something moved

In the blissful knowledge that

You are to be treasured.

For life.

If not by me.

Someone else.

For sure.

The sunset makes me feel silly.

As I take the long walk home

I see people huddle in the rain.

You loved getting drenched, I remember.

And every time the deluge,

In its joyous rhythm

Obliged.

In setting you free.

By letting life play around you

As you danced to the thunder.

I stood at some corner watching.

Miffed and amused.

I knew it would be soon,

Time for a kiss.

And then ‘Goodbye’.

The unclasping of fingers

And pearls of longing

Gracing you eyes,

Slipping down your cheeks

In their cruel climb.

I smiled like irony.

That made me live

My entire lifetime.

Was it only yesterday ?

Room on Fire

I strike a matchstick
Your face lights up
The sun sets in your eyes.
You smell of me
And I of you
Dusk bids us both goodbye.

In sweet embrace
As ties untie
You kill once more in greed
I beg for you
And you for me
In silence passion bleed.

I burn my hand.
The room falls dark
You feel for me in haste.
A stolen kiss
A soft reproach.
I bask in my conquest.

You despise dark
And so do I.
We let a suspense loom
As love meets lust
With fumbling hands
A matchstick burns my room.

She Has A Lover ......

She has a lover

Dark and strong.

In him when she confides

Gives me shivers,

Jealous bouts

I find so hard to hide.

In silent whispers

Feathers fall

While time stops by to see

If ever words that

Hummed in heart

Will come to rescue me.

Is it late ?

A play perhaps,

The end to know I lust

A loving game

Of losing self

Of nursing nascent trust.

I feel for him.

I hope she does.

Before it is too late.

Her lover fair

Beyond repair

Comes to share my fate.

THE PROMISE SHE KEPT

It was the sun of spring
that flashed into my ever sleepy eyes.
It was morning , beaming with life,
And to add beauty to that
There she lay , still untouched by the rays
Yet, adding her own radiance to them.
There she was beside me ,
to be with me for life and further,
Leaving behind her sphere of ' knowns'
To walk with me , my arm she caught.
Into our future of certain uncertainty.
To share my fate. " Innocence ", I thought.


Her scent was in the air.
Her feel made everthing glow
Glow with an overwhelming sense of care,
love , belonging , compassion or else
- Only she could know , what lies
behind her throb of docile turbulence.
A man can only conjecture
in mere amazenent or disbelief.
For me it was the pleasure of both ;
- Enmeshed , entangled , entwined
Confusion can be pleasant sometimes.
My sub-conscious did remind.


Ecstatic with a feeling of assured affection
Which my heart never craved for
Because it was too exotic for a wretch.
To me , only a silent promise would do.
A patient ear was my need ,
Eyes brimming with empathy , I wished.
A comforting smile was enough.
A look of promotion - a bounty.
Simple, These may seem to some.
But, perhaps the most precious were they
Of all priceles gifts on offer. They come
only to the fortunate , they say.


Again humbled by reality
Exiled from my world of fancies
My vision narrowed into my little room.
The world outside , the sky through my window
seemed too small for harbouring my elation.
The clouds no more appealed to my eyes.
Sleepy eyes , still recovering from the truth
that defeated all past fancies
by its element of pleasing suddenness.
Floating clouds seemed so lifeless , defunct.
Tufts of misery drifting away.
The white in them could never satisfy
my craze for colourful confetti today.


Still, sitting on my morning bed
I felt a satisfaction clotting inside me.
A loser in battle , but a victor within.
I now possessed 'The Gem' I wished
to treasure for my life , and further.
She gave me a reason to live.
To ' Live Life', rather than spend days
Counting one out of the stint every night.
How strange it now seemed.
That one life could change another.
Give it purpose and direction.
Passion is miracle. They strike together.


I was too lost in the blue of her eyes.
Eyes- that disarmed me helpless.
Inspired me to be patient in counting
The numerous waves that came and went
Of emotions , both subtle and obvious
Sweeping the shores of those two "blue seas".
My eyes now narrowed down
Away from her asking gaze
To her. There she lay , all smiles and joy.
Snuggling against my bruised chest
which still housed a battered heart
Tired but beating , throbbing in silence.
Deprieved of zeal , bereft of warmth
There I lay - Disillusioned. Still tranced.
For her promise was so true
And blessed by that ethereal omen
That promised to follow me through.