Why don't I ever see you now?
Has it been that long, that late
That you could be just walking by
And I would fight myself to get
The name I called you by back then.
I wonder if you had the time
To sit and talk to me again
If you would fret on life like all
Or just keep to being yourself,
Clutching at your strands of pride.


It feels unreal now to see
The calm that's conquered your eyes
And set them to some chore of life
I never thought would be.
I could now call out your name,
Wait to see if you would stop.
With time, who knows, you could be you;
And I, what I could have been
- A boy to have loved you more.
For just a while in time.

His Last Cigarette

It was the second summer of love for me.

The scorching sun set fire to the bitumen-heart of dusty streets.

I was having my second shower of the day, of sweat and grime

Profusion peeping from behind sweat glands

My favorite deodorant losing efficacy

Slowly in unseen, muted vapors.

I felt an uneasy calm haunting me,

Bullying me around the bylanes of Southern Avenue.

She had said, “I need to talk”.

Me, ever eager for stealing a tryst knew

Her impulses could never wait.

Still, this time, deep inside, anxiety breathed.

How bad could this be?

Many storms had left us tempered, bruised.

Yet, love had had its say.

In all its sweet stubbornness.

Eyes used to lazy siestas drowned in a sea of images.

The air, thinning in a moistureless mirage,

Carrying tender promises of sweet nothings brewed

Promises of a more humane evening beckoned.

-‘An Appointment’.

I smiled at myself.

Far down the dreary road, spent souls prayed for relief, paid for water.

Summers in this city surely didn't promote love.

The defiant zombie.

Charmed with love, kissed with death.

I moved.

In a single minded motivated motion.

Where? I did not know.

I was waiting for my answers. When would she come?

It was about time now.

I could smell the sweet lavender of her talcum with my eyes closed

Soft, soothing, reassuring.

It was her only perfume.

Her tresses made careless riddles at me,

As occasional sighs of stale air teased them, trounced them

And went back defeated, fatigued.

Like me.

Leaning against a rusting post, I lit up.

Curls of white smoke, in their sinuous ascent sneered at me.

They were with her now. Traitors!

She hated tobacco, smoke and fire.

I loved them all, within a single delightful wrap

They called 'Cigarette'.

Smoke made her eyes red,

As red as the setting sun we were audience to, sometimes.

Times we discussed Tomorrow and its Bliss

Today, she was late. Unusually.

My loneliness bought me courage to protest my wait

I rehearsed my lines to get even.

She knew my patience hated being tested.

And she loved that look on me.

Now, I could see her down the lane.

A light sky blue on her, cooling my eyes.

Distance diminishing with her every step.

I had already forgotten my lines.

Rebuke had escaped its rickety prison inside my ribs.

But, there was no playful annoyance in her today

A Duchess miffed at disservice.

Her eyes were unadorned

Naked with an emotion unknown to me.

What could it be?

She knew how I loved kohl on them

How I could stare at them for eternity.

She always tossed those loving gazes

Into the water of the lake.

They sank, gasping for breath.

Rippling out to their deaths.

I could only sigh. She laughed.

She said it was late.

Always.

And left.

Today, she glanced between my fingers.

As familiarity emerged in her eyes.

A blend of distress and discomfort.

Confused, I took another drag at my stick.

Simmering in a telling sacrifice for me,

It could provide no wisdom today

As I grappled for answers.

I waited for that known sweep of disgust

Emanating from her sleek fingers,

Grounding my prized ‘India King’.

I waited for that familiar look of hurt

To reflect on her hazel eyes.

Nothing like that today.

Something had moved.

More sheepish every second, I stood.

Silence dawned. Love waited.

Words trickled in a crisis

I walked. We walked.

In her eyes I saw a storm,

Nestling its fury, exploding inwards.

She spoke at last.

She was leaving.

Far off lands held more promises.

Promises of progress, avenues of learning.

How I loathed my nursery rhymes now.

How I hated quantum physics.

That cruel idol of ‘Education’ had had its revenge.

And wasn’t it sweet.

My helpless eyes looked up

A bead of pregnant emotion had gathered cloud

At the corner of her eyes.

I could never see her cry. Something snapped within

A deluge of emotions arrived in abandon.

She cried. We mourned. Hours flew.

She whispered, “We will meet”.

The skeptic in me jeered.

The boulevard was replete with memories.

As we walked in silent vigil

We trampled them, muting their voices.

Forever.

Our walk was labored. Long and viscous.

Still, it had to end.

Roads never went on forever. I knew that.

Our last walk together. Perhaps, this was.

I put the last cigarette to my lips,

Waiting for her to throw it away.

One last time.

How I longed for her hand to move,

In one final stroke of playful disdain.

The last act of love at work.

She stared back at me

Her eyes the colour of a pallid evening-sky,

Denuding me of all my strength and weaknesses

For the first time ever

I watched her

As she held the light for me.

Was It Only Yesterday ?

Was it only yesterday?

That you held my hands

And walked the yards.

The day reclining to rest

As the Sun took shade for the night.

My eyes attentive, inert to your words.

My mind fixed at some distance

Counting present worries

And those yet to come.

Some yours. Some mine.

And the road ribboned forward

Only to bend at curbs

While the air mixed hues and sounds

Of the approaching evening.

You loved the sunset.

And I loved you.

You were always this reckless.

Never giving a silent thought before the leap

Splashing muddy waters onto your silk churidaar,

Spoiling my starched dove-white shirt.

And then having only a pleading smile

Half impish, half sincere

And full of unrepentant joy,

That made me smile. Annoyed.

But, you never noticed.

You kept pace with the fireflies of rain

And chased their wings

Like a child at play.

Like that girl untouched

Of pain or vice.

I, like a fool, watched.

And relived my faded childhood.

Through you.

You danced.

Was it only yesterday?

When unawares you wept out loud.

For the kitten was hurt,

Or the urchins were poor

Or that ‘people just die’.

My emotions too confused,

My responses delayed,

Waited for waves to settle

In your tremulous heart.

I only breathed.

And somewhere deep within me

Something moved

In the blissful knowledge that

You are to be treasured.

For life.

If not by me.

Someone else.

For sure.

The sunset makes me feel silly.

As I take the long walk home

I see people huddle in the rain.

You loved getting drenched, I remember.

And every time the deluge,

In its joyous rhythm

Obliged.

In setting you free.

By letting life play around you

As you danced to the thunder.

I stood at some corner watching.

Miffed and amused.

I knew it would be soon,

Time for a kiss.

And then ‘Goodbye’.

The unclasping of fingers

And pearls of longing

Gracing you eyes,

Slipping down your cheeks

In their cruel climb.

I smiled like irony.

That made me live

My entire lifetime.

Was it only yesterday ?